I hated high school. I never enjoyed it and was always counting down until I graduated. I was never good with girls either. I found that girls liked to talk and would whisper and stare when you walked by. I was called many different things in high school and had many challenges, but ultimately those challenges made me a stronger person.
I was looking for support type groups on facebook this evening. Recently, my Aunt and family friend have stumbled across a few that they felt were good ones to join. I stumbled across one, though, and was shocked.
I discovered one group having in depth conversations about me. They knew my full name, discussed where I was from and other such things. Sue from FORCE even discussed with them "handling the matter." I didn't realize that my therapeutic ways were a situation that needed handling. I didn't realize that a sisterhood consisted of talking about somebody until the whole group is blue in the face. Actually, I would be lying if I said that. As soon as I saw that, I was reminded of high school. Its like when one girl doesn't have the right clothes to fit in and everybody else stares and laughs. That's exactly what it is like.
It's ironic, though, because you would think that I would be bothered. I'm not though. If this sisterhood wants to discuss me, where I'm from, how I need to grow up, how I'm too young, and how I could never possibly understand then let them. If they want to discuss me in ways like that it's not a surprise. This is how sisterhoods are. Just like cliques. If you're in, you're cool. If not you'll be beat down, laughed at and made fun of.
Like I said I am not surprised. Just another reason why groups like these won't help me. This will strengthen me, though. Always remember that the not so great things in life WILL strengthen you. Lastly, never be afraid to let that strength show, because you will need it.
"There's no such thing as adults. We're all just kids trying to grow into life."
That's right BRCA positive. You stay positive and let the rest fall away. You don't need to be surrounded by negative. Unfortunately some of those "support" networks and "sisterhoods" have gotten away from their true purpose. Best to steer clear. Life is too short to allow yourself to be dragged down by those who don't accept you. You are no longer in high school. Now you have a choice as to whom you want to be associated with. Be free to exercise that choice and embrace it. Furthermore, it is never a good thing to be included as part of a group that only accepts you based on you "following" them and doing what they require of you. God bless America, home of the free.
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to try to reach you one more time. People know what your name is because your Facebook group has the same name as your blog, it wasn’t hard to figure out. The group that you are talking about is my group, & we strive to encourage each other, support one another & have a loving, safe environment. Your blog post struck a nerve with many, as you are aware. I tried to explain to you why, but you didn’t seem to really hear me. I promise, no one minds that you don’t care for the term previvor, there are several who don’t like it. We are all different people, with different opinions & viewpoints & that is okay. It was the way that you lashed out at the people that are using the term that hurt so many people that caused such an uproar. You didn’t attack the word, you attacked the PEOPLE, calling them disgusting. Accusing us of having no scars & calling us unaffected. Most of us DO have scars & I think we are ALL affected. I think that’s what you are missing here. When you openly share your opinions you open yourself up to getting feedback about what you say. In this case, your words created an uproar of negative feedback. What everyone was so upset about was the way you went about expressing your opinion. But through it all you stood by your hurtful words. Again, it wasn’t your dislike for the word ‘previvor’ that upset us, but your attack of your own sisters. You accused us of being old, not even knowing our ages, you told some very positive people that they were digging their own graves with negativity (which wasn’t true, BTW) & you ripped into Sue in a manner that was hurtful. Maybe FORCE isn't for everyone, but there’s no denying that this woman & her organization have done so much for our community & continue to do so. When you openly attack a woman that many of us hold in such high esteem, you can’t expect to not have people get angry. People went on my group page on Facebook to discuss their hurts. I started that discussion. I came across your blog & was hurt by what you wrote. I shared that hurt & disappointment on the group page & many others felt the same way, as you know. That, in my opinion, is what a support group does, encourages one another when they are upset, lift each other up when they are down. What I’m trying to say to you is that if you want to make a difference in the BRCA community, then lashing out at so many of your own like you did, is really not the way to do it. You hurt people with your cruel words, & you never did try to own that, or take responsibility for the words you spewed. You stood your ground & had no remorse at all for the hurt you inflicted on your fellow sister. That may be the part that continues to bother me, is that you started this mess, but you stand there & act as if you are the innocent being attacked. That’s not quite right though, by the viewpoint of many, you stood up there on your hill, opened fire at your BRCA sister & when they got upset & fired back, you got defensive & hurled more grenades at us. The BRCA+ person often expects negativity from those who don’t have the mutation, we know they don’t understand the fears that plague us, or the ‘choices’ we have to make. However, when we see a situation where one of our own turns on us, then naturally what follows is a whole lot of people getting very upset. For the most part, the matter had been dropped & people are trying to move on from it. I told myself I wouldn’t be back here, to your blog, because I didn’t want to get sucked into more negativity & quite honestly, I didn’t want your hurtful post to get any more press than it already had. My hope is that you could stop for a minute, & try to understand why so many were upset & felt the need to vent about it & discuss it. If you showed any sign of remorse for the words you spoke, or understanding that you could have done a kinder job (not sugarcoating your thoughts, but not being cruel either) of expressing your thoughts, then that would have gone a long way.
ReplyDeleteThe only reason we spoke about you was because we couldn't figure out why you would question or even CARE what we called ourselves. It was beyond our comprehension, because in this group, we don't judge...and we're fiercely protective of one another.
ReplyDeleteYou want to meet the outcast of the Sisterhood? Well I guess here she is...I don't fit the mold...I'm a metal head, who loves horror movies and was never your typical H.S. teen. I wasn't a cheerleader, nor did I hang with the "in crowd". I always looked out for the underdog...and spoke my mind...no matter what anyone thought. The one thing I didn't do was force my beliefs on anyone else. I didn't make fun of anyone because of there beliefs or the choices they made. Our "sisterhood" is exactly the same way.These women who have become a family to me, have never judged me or my views on ANYTHING. They accepted me for who I am and never questioned anything I've said or felt. We would do the same with you.
But you feel the need to stand on your soap box, and judge us for what we want to call OURSELVES? You don't have to agree with it, but why put us down for it? Or tell us we're wrong? You know what we called people like you in H.S.? BULLIES!
Teri,
ReplyDeleteFirst off I would like to mention that yes, people can vent. That is often what support sites are for. Furthermore, lets clear this up. I never called anybody disgusting. I said that I was disgusted. Disgusted, as in a verb or a feeling. Not used as an adjective. Adjectives describe people. Verbs don't. If I had called anybody disgusting then I would understand where you're coming from, but I didn't. Second of all, yes Sue has done great things and you can idolize her as much as you would like. I don't idolize her, though. That is no reason for people to be pissed at me. Sue is quoted saying that she would "handle the matter/problem". I didn't realize that because I don't agree with her created word that is a problem. Second of all, yes, I am young. Younger than most of you, but that doesn't mean I'm going through this any less than any one of you. Thirdly, I NEVER said that you had dug your own graves so before you accuse me of that why don't you check your facts. I remember that comment, but it was not from me. That was posted by someone else. My post wasn't at all directed at previvors. It was directed towards the word. If you can't see that then I'm sorry, but you and your sisterhood definitely misinterpreted it. I've asked several people who are unbiased to the situation to read it and tell me if they think it was directed at a person. Unlike most of you they don't believe it does. Let me explain something to you. My grandmother passed away a few months before I was born because she wasn't able to win against breast cancer. I just recently watched a video that she left for us when she was very sick. I saw her without her wig, taking medication, sleeping in her wheelchair while visiting Niagra Falls because she could not stay away. I witnessed her weak, petite body of skin and bones. As a BRCA Positive person I don't have to deal with anything like that. For that reason, I choose to not use the word previvor because I don't want to belittle somebody who means so much to me, but I never really got to know. If you can't understand that then I don't know what else to say. I'm not someone who feels I need a label. I think using the word BRCA united the group of us enough and I don't feel the term previvor was ever necessary. I feel that because I was so passionate about why I didn't agree with the word, and angry at the time that I wrote it, it was easier for people to jump down my throat than understand. That's fine, though. It makes me stronger.
LivingDeadGirl,
ReplyDeleteI never once forced my beliefs on anybody else. I didn't realize that having a blog and expressing myself was forcing my feelings on somebody. Furthermore, as I recall, the majority of name calling was being done on your sisterhoods part. A few of my newest nicknames are "the beast", "a little twat", i'm "immature", I "ate a bowl of stupid for breakfast", i'm "in-denial", shall I go on? I think you get my point. Lastly, before you try to say that I called you disgusting, just stop. Saying that your disgusted and that someone is disgusting are two extremely different things. I expressed how I felt disgusted. I'll even copy and paste the quote for you: "To think that someone is deserving of a name associated with the word survivor, when you haven't actually survived anything, disgusts me." I said DISGUSTS me. Never once did I say that someone was disgusting. If I am disgusted by something that is being used in the form of a verb. If I used the word and said that someone was disgusting that would be an adjective to describe that person. I did not do that. Hopefully this can help you out.
First off, I don't NEED to be helped out. I am not unintelligent, so you don't have to gramatically correct anything that has been said...I understand completely. I know the difference between verbs, nouns, adjectives and so on...
ReplyDeleteMay I speak to you in a private e-mail? Maybe if I do, you might understand why I consider myself a survivor as much as a previvor. I don't judge you on what you believe , but I think it may have been misunderstood or taken out of context as far as the "disgusting" part goes.
My e-mail and Aim is LVNGDDGRL25@aol.com. I am assuming by how you voiced your opinions, you would be open to others perspectives...so I am hoping you will talk to me privately.
Thank you.